Feel The Fear and Do it Anyway.

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Most of the time, this is the best advice you can give. For me anyway, I don’t know about others. But saying ‘You’ll be fine’ doesn’t make sense to me because there’s no way of knowing that but to just be fearful but do it anyway is so truthful. 

Because yesterday I had my music practical prelim. 
And as much as I tried to fine, I totally wasn’t. And some people might not understand how difficult it is to spend all do your free time working towards something and being totally prepared but as soon as I walk into the exam room, I just can not control my emotions. As much as I try too. And it’s the most frustrating thing because it feels like all my work and practice is for nothing. 
However, even though my head was literally shaking at first, the first 2 songs on Guitar went fine :) but then I totally messed up the next one.. My hands were so shaky that I couldn’t pluck the strings. And I couldn’t control it and I didn’t know what to do. So that didn’t go so well. Then I finished with a song that redeemed me a bit. Then voice… Oh man. The first song,  I burst into tears with in the first few words. The examiner said that I could have a break. So I went outside to bawl my eyes out for a while and catch my breath. My teacher came as well to see if I was okay. I don’t know if I’ll get marked down for having to have a break but I literally couldn’t sing. Or breath for that matter. So then I came back and the first song I sang, my voice was pretty shaky but it went okay. 
 And then I totally nailed the last song. 
I sang loud and did dynamics and I managed to sing the three notes at the end which I was really struggling with for the entire year because I have to sing super loud to be able to hit the notes. That was the first time I sang it right in front of anyone which is probably why Mr Ross (my music teacher) was having a party to himself afterwards aha! And the examiner was proud of me to come back and do that. 
I was so glad it was over. 
Well the performance was over but I was still so overwhelmed. I cried for ages afterwards. It was probably partly because I was sad that I messed up quite a lot but most was probably being so overwhelmed. I am so glad it’s over. But I wish I could just perform like I can do when I’m in my little practice room by myself or together with the rest of my music class. It’s so annoying! I hope I’ll get there one day though. 
On the plus side, it’s like a ritual for the teacher to give you a cream egg once you’ve finished your exam. Which is fabulous.
On a happier note, my friend very kindly made me this flyer for the fundraiser I am organising for my trip to Rwanda this summer. It’s so pretty, isn’t it? 


Do You Remember..

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Do you remember the primary school days where the homework would be coloring in a picture to put on the front of your jotter? I wish that still happened. Everyone says that senior year (6th year) is the best year of your life. I have found this to be one of the hardest years school wise, if I’m honest. I mean.. I don’t really understand it because I’m only doing three subjects. That’s the least subjects I have ever done, but it just feels much harder than the rest of my school years. It’s probably because of the pressure of finishing school forever as well I guess. So much happens in 6th year and its SO expensive. Seriously. Take a look at this!

6th year jumper – £15
School dance – £10 (although to be fair I didn’t go so I shouldn’t really be adding it)
After party – £7
Common room – £10
6th year photo – £25
Year book – £15
Social – £30

I mean.. come on. That’s over £100 just for being in your last year of school. its great.

Among all of that, we had prelims in January and yesterday we got our report cards. I’m really weird. I get so excited for report cards. Honestly, I was so excited to go to school yesterday. I just love them because its your school year on a few sheets of paper and its all organised and neat. Plus your prelim grades are in them. I managed to achieve the grades I was aiming for in the prelims!! woooooo! Although, they don’t really matter because we can’t appeal anymore :( But its still encouraging to know that I’m not failing. I got:

Higher Art – B
Higher Music – B
Higher English – C

My English teacher thought I was going to fail and so did I to be honest, because I really do find English hard so I’m glad that I passed.

My Art teacher said: (43 out of 60 – this is with out the practical. Art prelims are only theory)
Lisa has worked hard which has resulted in huge progress in the standard of her painting and drawing. She has produced a vibrant unit which shows skill in media handing and strong use of colour. She did reasonably well in the written exam but I feel she could easily improve this mark bu further study of her designers in particular. Her design unit is off to a bold start but she will have to make sure at this level to show some refinement in the work she produces. In the next few weeks she should take advantage of help after school to push her through this final stage of the course.

My English teacher said: (17/30, 11/20 and 12/20)
Lisa has put a lot of effort into improving the standard of her work this term. Despite initially struggling with the demands of the course, she had made a concerted effort to familiarise herself with a challenging novel and add detail to her responses to textual analysis questions. She now needs to work on planning for critical essays, focusing how topic sentences can be used to refer to the task and add coherence to an argument or line of thought. She should take time to proof-read her work ensuring that sentencing and general expression is clear. I would also like to hear a little more from Lisa in class discussion. If she can make an effort to offer her opinions, this will help prepare her for the final internal assessment of talk at the end of February. The deadline for the writing folio is March and it is important that her essays are examples of her best work by this time.

And my Music teacher said:
Instrument 1 Guitar 19/30 – Lisa has been putting a lot of effort into her playing – she lacks confidence and panics when she makes a mistake. try hard to put errors behind you and just keep going!
Instrument 2 Voice 20/30 – Lisa has a nice voice and this is a good grade, but she should aim to improve on this by working on projecting her voice and trying to add more style.
Inventing – You have produced some reasonable ideas. With a little bit more work, making sure you use and identify a range of concepts, your inventions will reach the criteria to pass. 
Listening – 21/40 This is a reasonable mark for this element at this stage of the course. With continued effort both in class and at home, Lisa should be able to improve Before May.

Lisa has consistently worked hard. She should have more confidence in her performing and continued revision of listening and literacy concepts will help secure her grade.

So overall, I am really happy with it! Now… time for exams. THE LAST EVER HIGH SCHOOL EXAMS.

Reading Your Dreams.

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Today I bought a book by one of the Youtubers who’s videos I have been watching for years. Fleur released a book this month and it makes me really proud actually. There are a lot of chapters on different topics but as I was flicking through, I found a small chapter called ‘Reading Your Dreams’. Now, I am in no way confirming that anything written is something I have researched but I thought it was interesting because after I read it I found some that apply to me. Most of the time I don’t really pay attention to my dreams but I am always confused as to why we get them. Here is what the chapter says about some of the most common dreams people have:

Death dreams have a variety of different influences and potential meanings. A lot of the time they signify a change in your life. Pay attention to who or what is dying in your dream, as it often signifies the loss of something associated with that person. Death dreams can actually be quite positive, and signify the need to move on from certain issues or influences in your life. Most importantly, don’t take death dreams too literally, or associate them with a bad omen.

Being chased in your dreams can signify anxiety in your life. It’s important to focus on who is chasing you and why. Chasing dreams are often linked to avoidance, fear of something, or self-denial (the latter especially so if you are running away from yourself).

Falling dreams are usually closely linked to a current situation or feeling in your life, rather than something more deeply rooted. It might be an insecurity or a loss of control. Don’t be surprised or worried by falling dreams if you are going through a stressful time in your life, as they can often be directly attributed to feelings of instability and a lack of confidence.

Flying dreams are often amongst the best dreams and are usually positive experiences. Flying above things can signify moving on or getting over obstacles in your life and achieving freedom from things that hold you back I often have dreams about struggling to get off the ground, managing to fly for a few meters but coming quickly back down to the ground. While this is a fairly common occurrence in dreams, it can be frustrating and tends to signify lack of confidence or motivation.

Exam dreams are another of the most common and can often occur when you have no upcoming actual test in your life. They usually signify nervousness, a fear of failure or a lack of confidence for an upcoming challenge, whatever form it may take. The main focus during exam or test dreams should be the process rather than the content of the test itself. Try to focus on the experience of being tested, rather than what’s in the test in order to pinpoint the source of the issue.

Cheating dreams are very common and usually stem from low self-esteem or trust issues in a relationship. Ty to identify why you might feel at risk from your partner cheating. Often it might be due to lack of attention or other issues in your relationship, but a lot of the time it stems from simple insecurity.

Naked dreams often represent insecurity, fear of exposure, vulnerability, falling short of your goals or being unprepared for a task at hand.

Teeth dreams are also fairly common. Dreams in which you are losing your teeth often signify an underlying insecurity about your looks or fears of public embarrassment, but also communication problems or feelings of powerlessness or concern over health issues.”

I just found this extremely interesting because although I don’t know a lot about the topic and although I don’t base my life around my dreams or necessarily pay that much attention to my dreams, there are two recent dreams that I can’t get out of my head so reading this just allowed me to understand them a little bit. The ones that apply to me are the Death dreams ( have a variety of different influences and potential meanings. A lot of the time they signify a change in your life. Pay attention to who or what is dying in your dream, as it often signifies the loss of something associated with that person. Death dreams can actually be quite positive, and signify the need to move on from certain issues or influences in your life. Most importantly, don’t take death dreams too literally, or associate them with a bad omen.)  and the Being chased ( in your dreams can signify anxiety in your life. It;s important to focus on who is chasing you and why. Chasing dreams are often linked to avoidance, fear of something, or self-denial (the latter especially so if you are running away from yourself).dreams which are dreams that I would call nightmares and I can’t remember the last time I had a nightmare like that so it startle me a little bit.

Fleur Fleurdeforce

50 Shades Of Grey.

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I saw this post on Facebook by a girl who has a blog called The Full Time Girl ( http://thefulltimegirl.com/) This is what it said:

‘Our world is so messed up. The past few days you’ve seen article after article about the movie 50 Shades of Grey coming out on Valentine’s Day. I know you probably don’t want to read one more status about it, but hear me out…

We have millions of women- women!- just melting over a narcissistic sociopathic rapist, and calling it love. Sure, everyone wants to be a feminist and scream, “girl power” until it means acknowledging that chains are not the path to freedom. Even Christians are defending domestic violence masked as erotica and torture porn presented as a fairytale? What is wrong with us?

We have men now believing that this is what women want. We are teaching them to be every nightmare we’ve ever had. Men are watching women embrace the idea that they can do whatever they want to women and they will like it even when they say, “no.” But wait, no means no right?? Apparently, not any more….

What are we teaching each other about the way to treat human beings? Like they are animals. We have now crossed a line in our society that can not be erased. A dangerous line- and any woman in a society that freely accepts pedophilia, rape, and abuse as “sexy” should be scared for themselves and scared for their children.

Shame, shame, shame on us. Shame on anyone who would read those books, watch that movie, or talk about it as if it were normal. There is nothing normal about it. There is nothing sexy about it. There is nothing lovely about it. There is nothing harmless about it. It’s flat out disgusting and dangerous, and if you even begin to think otherwise, I am sad for your soul.

Jesus is the only answer. The bible holds the path to purity, and to truth, and to love, and if we don’t start speaking up, and standing out, and being a light, we will drown in the sea of sexual sickness and depravity like Lot and his entire family. Are you willing to lose everything? Go watch 50 Shades of Grey.’

And I just wanted to leave you with that, because, personally, I agree with her.
The stereo typical thing to do on Valentines Day these days is to watch 50 Shades of Grey and it honestly terrifies me. Rape is my worst fear and we are, technically, glorifying it…

WHERE Have I Been?

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4 months later…

… Hi everyone, I have been away for so long and I am just about to explain my reasons to you. Someone once told me that I shouldn’t write this on my blog and at the time I partly agreed with them, but then I realised that writing, whether it be writing songs or writing in my diary, is how I process things and try to make sense of things that are filling up inside my head. So I made my own decision because I liked my blog. I liked taking out an hour of my day to reflect on things I had been thinking about.

So, I stopped writing because I felt like I was always being happy chappy. Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with writing about happy things. But I wasn’t happy and I was still writing about happy things and I just felt like I was lying to myself. That’s one reason. Second, is because I didn’t really know what to write, there wasn’t enough room in my brain to construct a blog post for you guys (or for me.) So basically, when I stopped blogging it was because I was frustrated at myself because I didn’t know why I was so stressed and so overwhelmed while others around me were so calm and collected. For years now, I’ve noticed how nervous I can be in various situations weeks or months before I even have to be nervous.. but last Summer, at Soul Survivor, I had a panic attack. I had never in my entire life experienced one (from what I can remember anyway..) and its quite funny actually, I actually thought that it was God, but it wasn’t. I know this because what happened at soul survivor happens when I feel nervous or overwhelmed. I was used to feeling nervous a lot (with small and big things) and feeling an unusual amount of discomfort if someone was being persistent with something I didn’t want to take part in but I had never actually felt it on the outside if that makes sense. I think everyone just thought I was crying because I was sad about something. I don’t think they clicked.. and neither did I. But what happened, was that I went to the front of the service for prayer.. the front.. already too much for me. And I felt my hands going numb and shaky, I started to get breathless and dizzy. And when I sat back at my seat, I couldn’t stop shaking, and I could barely breath and I was crying for absolutely ages. People came over to sit with me and hug me, I didn’t have a clue what was going on but I calmed down after a while. It was SO weird. SO after that eventful evening, I starting feeling so nervous that it would happen again. I felt so embarrassed and that everyone might have thought that I was just being a drama queen when actually I, myself, had no idea what was happening. I was scared that I’d have another panic attack and humiliate myself. I also started paying more attention to all of the things that worry me and all of the things that make me nervous and it really did start to frustrate me, so I went to the doctors, suspecting that I have anxiety. I was right. However, I didn’t hear from my GP for months. But one day at school, I got a letter for an appointment with the school mental health worker and she said that she received a letter from my doctor saying that I was referred to the Phoenix Centre. However, because I am almost finished school and almost 18, it would be more helpful to just have weekly meetings with her instead because I would probably be finished school by the time the phoenix centre had openings and she wanted me to be seen quickly. During the months that I haven’t been writing, I felt so helpless. I felt trapped in this ongoing battle in my mind. And I hit lows that were really very low and that I only talk about to my therapist. I’m not saying that its not there any more. OH man is it still there. But having someone to talk to and help me just takes away some of the burden, Y’know? And just knowing what is up with me helps me a lot because I hated not knowing. I know this sounds so cliche but I always feel like there is no body that understands me and even though my therapist might not TOTALLY understand me, she is sitting there listening to me and I feel so scared to tell her things and for the entire day after every appointment, I am really on edge and overwhelmed but she doesn’t think less of me because of things I’ve told her about, (I’m still working on trusting that completely.) she just takes them into consideration and helps me with anxiety and how it affects my mood. So THAT is where I have been. I obviously haven’t said every detail and these past few months have actually been so hard. And let me tell you, I am a pro at keeping my facial expressions positive because I have had to do that for my entire life and its pretty easy now. So the moral of the story is not to judge someone by what they let you see… Because if I am having an awful day, I can hold it together for the few minutes I talk to my mum for when she comes home from work to make her think that everything is fabulous even if its not.
BE KIND PEOPLE :)

I hope you are all doing well! And I won’t have a schedule for posting because I don’t know myself how this is going to go. Just taking it slowlyyy :) And you know what, everything we go through adds to our story and adds another thing that we can help others through.

OH GUESS WHAT! I’M GOING TO RWANDA.
But I’m not writing anymore about it write now. (thats so mean of me. Unless you already know about it I guess.) I shall write more about it in my next blog post.

RwandaMap

Peace out.

Everybody has a secret world inside of them.

Originally posted on White Rose Mari:

“Everybody has a secret world inside of them. I mean everybody.

All of the people in the whole world, I mean everybody — no matter how dull and boring

they are on the outside.

Inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds…

Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands, maybe.”

T9Ww7Olh0VQ

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Moving past your pain

Originally posted on daughter by design:

VICTIM MENTALITY, OVERCOMING VICTIM MENTALITY,We have all been a victim of something in our lives.

A victim of hateful words.

A victim of painful circumstances.

A victim of physical, mental, or emotional abuse.

That abuse may have happened one time and once it happened everything in your world changed.

Sometimes that abuse happens for weeks, for months, and for years and when it stops we don’t even know how to live life normally anymore.

And then we have to make a very important choice:to let it continue to reign in our lives or to do what it takes to overcome it.

We choose whether we will be victorious over our circumstances or whether we remain victims long after the abuse is done.

And sadly, many people choose to live life with a victim mentality believing that once you are a victim you are always a victim.

That once you have been broken you…

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What Is My Purpose? And Banana Pancakes!

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I’m just going to get straight to the point. I can be unbelievably undisciplined when it comes to reading my bible. Who would have thought that, huh? Lisa loves to read… so this is weird. Yes, I do love love love to read but I love to read page turners and things that are easier to follow and easier to remember. I don’t know if that makes any sense. But sometimes I feel like I don’t understand what I’m reading when I read the bible and it frustrates me so much and then I’m not motivated to read it. I’m sure I’m not the only one here… Or I read something and I am thinking about something else and I don’t realise I’m thinking about something else until I zone back in and find out that I hadn’t been concentrating on anything I just read. That is probably why Revelation is my favorite book in the bible because  it intrigues me the most I guess… Fear not! I found a solution. Or, the solution found me.

I am currently reading the Soul Survivor NIV Bible In a Year. Mike and Andy also upload daily videos to help us understand what we are reading which is very very helpful for me I must say. Now, I have failed many times and missed many days but I haven’t given up on it so we’re good! :)

I realise that the title of this blog post makes no sense as yet… It will guys, it will.
You may know that I watch youtubers like Zoe and Ingrid and Fleur. But I came across a youtuber called Cambria Joy and as well as her other videos she makes weekly bible studies too and they are SO good. They are like little 5-10 minute sermons but with so much thought-provoking stuff. There’s much encouragement, joy and inspiration in her videos. So I wanted to share one with you.

I noted down some of the things she said and verses she referred to in my journal.
For example, she said things like ‘Do whatever you’re doing for the Lord and you will find joy.’ and ‘If you’re scared about the future, God will accept you with open arms.’
She also refers to Mathew 6:21 where she challenges us to think about where our treasures lie. Because, we were made to worship something. Whether its money or relationships or attention. We, as human beings, crave something all the time and only God can fully satisfy it. The verse before that, (Mathew 6:20) says that our treasure is in heaven and God is our strength and our song. There is just so much I could write about this one video but I encourage you to watch them because they really are great, light hearted videos and you can really see that she means every single word she says.

On that note, I’m going to go and make some banana pancakes :D have a lovely, lovely day!

When A Good Day Is Great.

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Today was going to be a good day. I am excited for the Perth College Open Day tomorrow (like how I slipped that in there? More later.) and my Orthodontist appointment was over so I no longer had to worry about it. But a few things made my day even better… Firstly, in music I finally understood how to play a song that I had been struggling with. For me, this is ace because I want to do well in this subject and it stresses me out a lot when I just can’t grasp something. Then, in English I got my Personal/Reflective essay back and passed it at Higher Standard. Woop! I think it might have been a NAB because we didn’t get grades. Just a pass or a fail. So I am so thankful for that..! English is flipping hard. Then… then… in Art I have been working on a piece and it was seriously going horrifically. We had our reviews and the standard of my work was not at all Higher level. Then, I started this piece again, I have been going to the Art Department in my free periods and now its competing with one of the best Higher Art pieces in the department. Oh yeeea! I don’t usually brag about stuff like this but I am kinda proud of it because I really was struggling. It shows though that extra time and hard work pays off. A picture of it will be at the bottom of this blog post.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering where this sudden Perth College Open Day came from. Well, basically, I am planning on applying for German at a couple of universities and Music at some colleges. I mean, I’m applying for German because thats ‘my subject’ if you know what I mean. Like, some people are associated with being good at sciences or maths or English or art but I am good at German. However, it isn’t exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. I enjoy it (most of the time) and I’m good at it but I actually want to study Music much, much more. So, I am going to Perth College Open Day because they have one of the best Music programs in the UK and I am hoping I will fall in love with it so that I will have even more motivation for it. I spend a lot of my free periods in the music department. I love going into a practice room and being able to just play and sing between classes. Sometimes I don’t feel particularly productive but I always want to go to the music department. That’s the thing about music. There isn’t a lot I can do in any mood I’m in but with music, I can be happy, sad, disappointed or confused but I’ll still always go back to my little practice room. I am gradually gaining confidence though, so this is good. Yesterday at youth group I sat, played guitar and sang for ages. People were walking past and around me and singing with me and I didn’t seem to mind. So we are getting somewhere. I would never have been able to do that a few months ago. Slowly but surely ;) Anyway, back to Perth. Tomorrow I have the day off school to take a train down to the college. I have a tun of homework to do on the train or if I get there early (which I most likely will because I gave myself 2 hours to get from the train station to the college. It takes half an hour to walk to the college. Lol!) I am so excited and nervous! I will also post some pictures of the college so you can see! :) images OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA webster

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Edinburgh, St.Andrews And Why I Love Book Stores.

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I’m sure we have grasped by now that I love road trips. Like really love them. Blasting music in the car, laughing, taking photos, singing, eating, talking. Nothing in that list sounds unappealing to me. So, because Thursday and yesterday were in-service days, I took a trip to St Andrews to visit my brother for his 20th birthday. Twenteen I like to say. On the way, I also stopped in Edinburgh because I had never actually explored the city. I mean, I’ve been to the airport a catrillion (pretty sure that is most definately not a word. Mind you, Twenteen isn’t either. so…) times and I’ve seen the castle but I don’t remember exploring the city and the gardens. I have a thing about gardens in big cities. I seriously love them so much. Its a bit like why I love book shops. Even in the hustle and bustle of a city there is something about book shops and gardens that are always much more peaceful even though they can still be right in the center of the busy city. If Ya know what I mean? :) I mean, if I’m honest, the business did get a bit too much at times because I myself, was trying to find my way around amongst all the hectic-ness of a city so I went into waterstones. I took a look around, where everybody looked incredibly intelligent and sat on the stairs. Who sits on the stairs in a shop? I don’t really… except in book stores. They are so homely and relaxing. I should probably stop raving about books stores about now, huh?

Anyway, I spent a few hours looking around, taking photos, doing a bit of shopping.
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After that, we carried on driving to St Andrews to my brothers house where I stayed over night. We also went for dinner and to the cinema.
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I don’t even know how many words I created in this blog post ;) but I had a lovely time! And it feels like it should be Monday but its only Saturday. Woo!

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