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4 months later…

… Hi everyone, I have been away for so long and I am just about to explain my reasons to you. Someone once told me that I shouldn’t write this on my blog and at the time I partly agreed with them, but then I realised that writing, whether it be writing songs or writing in my diary, is how I process things and try to make sense of things that are filling up inside my head. So I made my own decision because I liked my blog. I liked taking out an hour of my day to reflect on things I had been thinking about.

So, I stopped writing because I felt like I was always being happy chappy. Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with writing about happy things. But I wasn’t happy and I was still writing about happy things and I just felt like I was lying to myself. That’s one reason. Second, is because I didn’t really know what to write, there wasn’t enough room in my brain to construct a blog post for you guys (or for me.) So basically, when I stopped blogging it was because I was frustrated at myself because I didn’t know why I was so stressed and so overwhelmed while others around me were so calm and collected. For years now, I’ve noticed how nervous I can be in various situations weeks or months before I even have to be nervous.. but last Summer, at Soul Survivor, I had a panic attack. I had never in my entire life experienced one (from what I can remember anyway..) and its quite funny actually, I actually thought that it was God, but it wasn’t. I know this because what happened at soul survivor happens when I feel nervous or overwhelmed. I was used to feeling nervous a lot (with small and big things) and feeling an unusual amount of discomfort if someone was being persistent with something I didn’t want to take part in but I had never actually felt it on the outside if that makes sense. I think everyone just thought I was crying because I was sad about something. I don’t think they clicked.. and neither did I. But what happened, was that I went to the front of the service for prayer.. the front.. already too much for me. And I felt my hands going numb and shaky, I started to get breathless and dizzy. And when I sat back at my seat, I couldn’t stop shaking, and I could barely breath and I was crying for absolutely ages. People came over to sit with me and hug me, I didn’t have a clue what was going on but I calmed down after a while. It was SO weird. SO after that eventful evening, I starting feeling so nervous that it would happen again. I felt so embarrassed and that everyone might have thought that I was just being a drama queen when actually I, myself, had no idea what was happening. I was scared that I’d have another panic attack and humiliate myself. I also started paying more attention to all of the things that worry me and all of the things that make me nervous and it really did start to frustrate me, so I went to the doctors, suspecting that I have anxiety. I was right. However, I didn’t hear from my GP for months. But one day at school, I got a letter for an appointment with the school mental health worker and she said that she received a letter from my doctor saying that I was referred to the Phoenix Centre. However, because I am almost finished school and almost 18, it would be more helpful to just have weekly meetings with her instead because I would probably be finished school by the time the phoenix centre had openings and she wanted me to be seen quickly. During the months that I haven’t been writing, I felt so helpless. I felt trapped in this ongoing battle in my mind. And I hit lows that were really very low and that I only talk about to my therapist. I’m not saying that its not there any more. OH man is it still there. But having someone to talk to and help me just takes away some of the burden, Y’know? And just knowing what is up with me helps me a lot because I hated not knowing. I know this sounds so cliche but I always feel like there is no body that understands me and even though my therapist might not TOTALLY understand me, she is sitting there listening to me and I feel so scared to tell her things and for the entire day after every appointment, I am really on edge and overwhelmed but she doesn’t think less of me because of things I’ve told her about, (I’m still working on trusting that completely.) she just takes them into consideration and helps me with anxiety and how it affects my mood. So THAT is where I have been. I obviously haven’t said every detail and these past few months have actually been so hard. And let me tell you, I am a pro at keeping my facial expressions positive because I have had to do that for my entire life and its pretty easy now. So the moral of the story is not to judge someone by what they let you see… Because if I am having an awful day, I can hold it together for the few minutes I talk to my mum for when she comes home from work to make her think that everything is fabulous even if its not.

I hope you are all doing well! And I won’t have a schedule for posting because I don’t know myself how this is going to go. Just taking it slowlyyy πŸ™‚ And you know what, everything we go through adds to our story and adds another thing that we can help others through.

But I’m not writing anymore about it write now. (thats so mean of me. Unless you already know about it I guess.) I shall write more about it in my next blog post.


Peace out.